So whats next??

So since my last rant, I found out that whole overdrawn episode with my ex was really more hilarious and illogical than what I blogged about.  But everytime I think about it I can't help but shake my head at that eloquent foolishness.  

But hey now that's done and gone, I was trying to figure out what I was going to do with the other two eggs I was holding, (cause ya know I wasn't going to be crazy enough to put all my eggs in that one basket). So I told myself the number one mistake I made was deciding to be exclusive way to quickly.  I understand I should learn to be serious about my relationships, but that doesn't mean I need to be rushing and making commitments all early.  So I decided after that mess that I would have some fun; just kick back, get to know these other two eggs better and see where it will go.

See one of them is an old friend, that tried to holla when we were much younger, but I just didn't see him like that at the time.  He lives in Maryland now. So when I went to Baltimore to see my then boyfriend, I got to see my old friend.....let's just say he's all grown up now. The worst part about it....he's got that dark, dark chocolate skin that I have always been a sucker for. We really had a good time, and that's when I realized how much I missed him, and the friendship we used to have.  Long story short, I want him.  The only thing is that I'm not sure if I am willing to risk what we have as friends for a relationship that may not work.  Plus, he's going through some things right now, and I don't want to even to start anything until he has a clear mind and a clear heart. 

Egg #2...is a younger man. I never dated a younger man.  He's marriage material, just not for ME, defnitely someone else.  But he's so sweet.  Last weekend we just kicked it and had a laid back night.  He cooked, we ate and talked and talked.  Right now he's just a good guy friend.  I'm attracted to him and I'm tempted to take it further. But I keep telling myself what's the point of smelling something you know you will not eat?? Something keeps telling me, hey it could just be something to keep me busy during the summer. But I think I'm done with the little temporary fits, I need something that's real. 

I'm ready to love and be loved.....and  I'm glad I can finally feel comfortable saying it too!

Why is he sooo stupid???

I don't get it....Let me breath first....

In February his ex calls in the middle of the night saying she is not feeling good, and she needs him to come over and take her to the hospital (translation: a booty call).  He suspects that she is trying to trap him,  and snaps off on her and tells her to leave him alone.

A month ago, the girl calls again and says her car is dead and she needs him to come over and give her car a jump (translation: give her a jump).  Dude calls me and keeps me on the phone just in case she tries anything. He jumps her car and leaves.  I immediately snap off.  I couldn't understand how an ex from 2005 can call you and you running out there to help her.  I couldn't understand why he is even picking up her phone calls and speaking to her if he dislikes her so much.  That mess is so disrepectful to me, especially since he knows shorty is trying to get back with him.  He says he understands, he will handle it, and it will not happen again.

A few days later the ex calls and text him again.  This time he picks up the phone, and tells her to leave him alone, that he is involved with someone.  She starts crying and begging....Again I snap off and tell him I don't want to hear anything else about this bird. He said he told her not to call, but she keeps calling. (I find that hard to believe because if he ignored her calls and really snapped off on her, I'm sure the bird would get the picture and stop calling.  She is only calling because everytime she does she gets a response) I told him he needs to disconnect this heffar.  He said he would, and that it wouldn't happen again 

Last week Wednesday, this man told me that his ex texted him and called him yet again, this time to let him know that she has a lump is her breast and she needs to go get a biopsy done.  I didn't even wait to hear the whole story because I wasn't interested, all I knew was that he was still communicating with her after he said three times before that he would handle it.  I immediately snapped off, because I couldn't understand why the girl was still calling him and why they were still even conversing if he supposed to handle it. The girl would only be calling if she is getting a response from him.  So my problem isn't with the trick, my problem is with him because evidently he really hasn't cut this trick off.  He hasn't handled it like he said he would.  And what reason?  I'm not opposed to my man remaining friends with his ex because I still remain friends with my exes, that doesn't bother me at all.  But when the ex is trying to get back with him, and he's still talking to her....that's just plain disrespectful. 

He thinks because he was honest and he apologized that I shouldn't fuss about it.  That right there is some BS in my book.  So I dropped his sorry behind quickly....He thinks I'm overreacting, but this is something I am f 'sure not compromising on.  I'm over here straight up dissing some beautiful men for this sucker, and he is still responding to his ex.....he can take his behind to left on that tip...got things twisted...got me yellin' NEXT!!!!

Back to the Basics

Ever feel like telling people what you are going through does nothing but aggrevate you more?  Ever feel like no matter how hard you try to colorfully illustrate your pain, no one still understands?  Ever feel like you carry it all by yourself, and you can't take it anymore?

...Welcome to my world, because that is exactly where I am at.  There are only three basics that get me through these difficult patches: meditation, prayer, and writing. So I'm back to the basics...back to Xanga where I can say what's on my mind and work through it.

This last month...hmph...has been....wow.  This past week......there are no words for it.  But I'm staying hopeful because I really can't do anything else.  This is how my story goes.....

Relationships: I have been talking to this guy since January this year. He has been showing interest since July 2005, but I didn't think he was where he needed to be so I ignored him.  He kept calling, and then decided on January 1, 2007 he was not taking no for an answer this time.  We have been talking everyday since then.  I really not feeling him though.  He's 27, Nigerian, trying to finish his B.S. He's applying to Pharmacy School.  He's really random  and I mean that in a slow irritating way.  He's good looking and dresses well. But nothing really impresses me about the guy.  Okay there is one thing, he's born again, and prays with me and for me.  He's probably the only guy I've dated that does that. With all that aside, its like I'm forcing myself to like him, only its not working. I was talking to my guy friend, and he hit the nail exactly on the head.  He says I like the guy but not enough for me to be comfortable calling him my boyfriend. 

I honestly feel like I am settling, not like I got a prize.  The only reason I hold any value in him is because of the value I see other people hold in him, and that's only because I know he does have a future.  Reading over my rantings I realize he sounds alright, but why doesn't it feel like that to me??

Research: I really can only thank God for the awesome year I had.  God has honestly blessed me beyond my expectations.  I have a review I co-authored that has been accepted for publication for September '07.  I'm in the initial stages of preparing my 2nd manuscript.  I'm favored by my boss, my colleagues, and my department.  Even the haters don't have a choice but to like me.  God is just showing off, and I love Him for it.

The only thing that just isn't quite right is my fellowship.  And this right here has been a thorn in my side since I found out last weekend. Right now with all glory to God, I'm living really, really comfortable.  Live in a good neighborhood, have the car I want, and could afford to satisfy my wants and my needs. Until I got the bad news that my stipend is being cut by 50%   I almost started to cry.  See money is something I never ever had to worry about.  I never struggled or lacked anything.  All glory to God, I have always been comfortable, talking about my cup running over.  Now with this latest development, I have no idea what life is going to be like.  What I do know is that God promised to provide for all my needs according to His riches in glory.  And He did say I would be the head and not the tail. As long as His word says I'm claiming it and that settles it for me.  I am somewhat grateful, because I think this situation will teach me how to watch my money and be more responsible. All I can do is trust God, because He knew this was coming and He knows what's next. 

 Financial Life:  A rollercoaster in short.  I just opened an ING Savings account this year and have been doing pretty good with putting away money.  I'm trying to learn how to be more responsible and invest wisely, so if anyone has advice on investment ideas I'm all ears.

Spriritual Life: Its nowhere near where it needs to be.  I need God more than ever to live in me: in my mind, my spirit, my body, and my tonuge.  I know what they mean about light and dark not having any fellowship, because when I stuck my left pinky toe into the lifestyle I used to live, talk about separation.  I don't like the way that feels either, so I'm trying to get myself right. I can't be without His presence. Yes its hard to stay on the straight and narrow in the world we live in, and yes its is a struggle.  But I'd rather struggle towards standing with Him than live a second without Him. He's worth the struggle. He's worth the sacrifice.  He's worth everything I have to give up to please Him. Its hard, but what isn't??

I just want to breath peace

I feel like I am seriously about to crash.  I have been carrying too much for the last couple of months.  I'm realizing the way I am working is not healthy for me. These 18-20 hour work days are literally killing me.  I always feel like I can do more, but now I'm feeling like throwing everything in the air and walking away, and just breathing....that's all I want to do....just breath

Hopeless Insomniac

I can't sleep....I need to sleep.....but I can't sleep, its almost 2am....worahell is my body doing.....Maybe I should try closing my eyes.....didn't work.  Hmph...good thing the boss isn't around, so that means no 8am meeting woohoo.

...the last couple of days my body has got into a rut of not shutting down until the wee hours of the morning.  This sucks   I think I'm hungry, oh frick-a-frack

...I can't wait until the end of this semester, I need some traveling. I got three weeks worth of vacation I haven't used.  I want to go to NY but then I feel kind of reluctant, don't want to run into Mr. T....o yay you remember Mr. T, I used to be oh so in love with him...I still am and probably always will be.  We brought our realationship to an end Winter '05 after 7 years of on again, off again. He was ready for marriage and apparently I'm not...He wanted the minivan and the kids, and I told him I wasn't ready to be a soccer mom.  He took it as me saying that he's good enough to date but not good enough to marry, so that was the end of that.....Almost a year later, he's got his wish, because he's expecting his first child before the end of the year...Bitter..never that..I have no room for a baby in my size 4 jeans, so I can't be bitter.  I'm happy for him, because he's happy.  She giving him what I would not, so she gets mad props....but that's where it stops.  I don't have to like the trick   

So yay I want to go on tour, I've been locked up in the lab for a whole year.  I deserve a break.  I just want to go somewhere full of beautiful black people that are making moves.  I need to refuel, so maybe if I mingle with some black professionals it will give me the umph I need to get back to the grind.  It needs to be a place I can do some heavy duty shopping.  I love NY but I need to find another spot.  Hmph...I'll come back to that later but I'm open to suggestions.

My eyes are feeling a little tired, I'm going to try closing them again...even if they refuse to stay closed I will tape them shut, hopefully I still have my eyelashes in the morning....Adios